Saturday, February 20, 2010

Destruction, reclamation

The last time I really paid any serious attention to my blog was in 2007, just after the killing blow that destroyed the last bit of hope and self-worth I possessed. Shortly thereafter, I started writing in a journal. Perhaps it’s because those feelings were just too raw, too close to the bone and quite frankly too fucked up for eyes other than my own. Looking back at them now, I see nothing but wrong-headed delusions; wishful thinking based on feelings I thought I needed to have in order to feel alive again. Indulging in the fantasy that I was important to at least one person who was important to me at the time.

Today I shredded that book, and along with it the crazy time I spent shattered and under the illusion that someone cared enough to at least gather up and carry around the pieces until I could heal and be re-formed and whole. The few passages I read made me sick inside; before I took a utility knife to it and sliced it into pieces so small they can never be reassembled into something recognizable as my words, my thoughts, or in any way ME. They’re on the trash heap where they belong, instead of boxed away, to be discovered in the future by myself (or worse, my family when I’m dead)… a reminder of that sick, broken person for whom even the illusion of a relationship was better than none at all. Bad choices, bad execution, regrettable actions.

That was 2007. It’s 2010 and I’m SO much better now…

I’m healthiest when I live out loud… blog my thoughts, feelings, passions and furies. Time spent journaling takes me to dark places and no good ends. It’s taken me this long to admit (though I’ve known forever it’s the case) that secrets, for me, are a cancer that spreads and destroys those parts of me that find joy in living and being with other people. If I can’t be me, just as I am, I may as well not exist… and I’m not quite ready for THAT yet.

Time for me to find my way back into the light…

Friday, October 09, 2009

Tween Prays for her Friends, Whose Dad Isn’t Saved

Tween girl indoctrinated…

~LouLouBelleXO’s Prayer Journal~

God, I pray that my faith will be revived. Help me become closer to you.

Help Auntie S. since she is out of state and is battling in court.

Help J. and K., since their father does not know You. Help Mr. F. come to know You.

I pray for A.’s braces, that her mouth won’t hurt so bad.

I pray for all the mid-terms I took this week. Help me get a good grade on my math and science tomorrow.

I pray that all the nations will come to know You, Father, especially Afghanistan, China, Swaziland, South Korea, and Guatemala.

Amen.

The reason a abbreviated people’s names is because I didn’t want to post them on the internet.

I hope that you guys will pray for the same things I pray for, as I do with you.

God bless,

LouLouBelleXO

(Emphasis mine)
Wonder if J. & K. have one of those godless heathens (like me) for a father, or if he’s simply Hell-bound because he attends a different church than LouLouBelle - or is *gasp* one of them Jews???

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

If Mc Kinsey’s Been Called In, Prepare for Layoffs

From this morning’s Cynopsis:

Conde Nast sent a memo out to staffers on Monday saying it was shuttering the print publications Gourmet, Cookie, Modern Bride and Elegant Bride as part of a massive restructuring effort. The publisher hired consultancy McKinsey & Company to help figure out how to cut down on costs and grow its digital businesses, in the face of deep drops in print advertising revenue. (emphasis added)

No less than 5 times during my so-called career did the arrival of Mc Kinsey consultants result in anything other than layoffs. I survived a few of them…

Friday, August 28, 2009

It’s All About the Benjamins

A message from a Founding Father

“When a religion is good, I conceive it will support itself; and when it does not support itself, and God does not take care to support it, so that its professors are obliged to call for help of a civil power, ‘tis a sign, I apprehend of its being a bad one.” (Benjamin Franklin)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Old Rant: Net Illiterati

Something I wrote back in the late 90s… [original here]

I need to start updating this site, so I dragged this nugget out of my old closet to build on a Tweet I made earlier:

Dear radio ad writers: URLs *never* hv a “backslash” in ‘em. VO peeps, if u see it in a script, complain! I won’t buy from proven idiots…

I think that if someone is going to build a website, especially if they plan to CHARGE for something there, they should take a few minutes to at least spell check the damned things! How in the Hell did these people manage to get out of high school, and even in some cases get college degrees without knowing the difference between the possessive word “your” and the contraction “you’re?” I’d guess that 8 out of 10 web sites that I visit have multiple instances of the confusion of the two!  Another word that is consistently misspelled is “categories.” It’s obvious to me that many people have gone through life learning everything from television, and have very little experience with the printed word.  Since I’ve read thousands of books, misspellings and grammatical errors LEAP off a page at me; but apparently the Illiterati of the Net are the rule and not the exception.  I suppose this speaks volumes for the state of our educational system.  I wonder sometimes if it isn’t a government plot - after all, the ignorant and stupid are more easily led, and if the Net is a fair representation of the American public we’ve got a disproportionately large population of morons in this country.

Yup. It’s only gotten worse in the years since my original post. Pretty sad.