Friday, May 15, 2009

Seek and ye shall find…

Repost from my Myspace Blog

I suppose you can see it coming in this picture:

Off to my First Communion, the pseudobridal outfit accessorized with a dirty cast mending the arm I broke falling out of a tree (after having been forbidden to play on the monkey-bars at school). I suppose in my imperfect state I didn’t make much of an impression on Jesus… before I ate him, heh.

My eventual apostasy started with one simple question two years later. Having been blessed (or cursed, depending upon whom you asked) with intelligence and cognitive abilities far beyond my years, I asked the first of many questions for which I’d be given the most unsatisfying of answers, that is, “It’s a matter of Faith.” As Sister Jeannine told us the tragic story of Abel’s murder and Cain’s banishment for fratricide, the question came to me and I simply had to know… “There was only Adam, Eve, Cain & Abel. When God kicked Cain out of Eden, he said, ‘Surely Lord, someone will kill me.’ Who else was there?”

And so it began.

By the time I was in my 20s I knew that there were all sorts of people nearby that Cain might need to be concerned about (and find a wife among). Turns out all that Genesis stuff was just one story from one sect among a great many, there & then. It’s just that the Jews (and their later step-children the Christians) insisted their god was the only true god, and as his chosen people they wrote their stories as if they were the center of the universe. In studying the myths and legends of people other than them, in periods of history both before and after what’s known as the Bible came to be, one gets a better sense of how and why it is what it is… and why some people are happy with non-answers like, “It’s a matter of Faith.”

Trouble is, I could never be one of them. It was explained to me thusly: “Your intellect gets in the way of faith.” Perhaps… like the dirty cast on my broken arm when I “met” Jesus for the first time, my inability to ignore what I know in favor of what I’d prefer to believe is the imperfection - the sin - that keeps me from ever “knowing” God, or any of the thousands of other deities who are, in my opinion, far more worthy of my acquaintance to say nothing of adoration and obedience.

In spite of not being a believer myself, I remain ever curious and talk to those that do. I want to know when, why, and how they came to conclude that their particular brand of Christianity, or any other belief system was “the one.” Cuz all of that matters! The evangelical Christian who got “saved” at a West Coast megachurch in the 80s is far different than the Catholic college kid from New England, or the Jehovah’s Witness-turned-New Ager. Different life circumstance, time, geographic placement; it’s what we experience up til now that makes us who we are, that shapes our thoughts and dreams. Add in a liberal dose of ideological and theological “education” and beliefs are sure to come into play. I want to know what makes people tick, and why they picked the path they did.

When it comes to religious beliefs, it truly IS a conscious choice. I admit I’m especially baffled by biblical literalists. For whatever reason, some people feel a need to walk a path wherein they are told every step of the way that they are creatures unworthy of the life they were “given,” that all the suffering they endure in their time on this earth is their punishment for the mistakes of characters from an ancient legend, or that it’s just “God’s plan.” All they need do is have faith that after they’re dead, they’ll finally be worthy and everything will be happily-ever-after (as long as they’ve picked exactly the right way to please the guy-in-the-sky AND called him by the right name, that is). They see scientific knowledge as a threat, and even go so far as to deny accepted fact as the work of the devil and invent controversy or words that are meaningless to anyone but the people they indoctrinate and propagandize.

What I’ve learned by studying religion and acutally living in the real world for 47 years is that in fixating on the “happily-ever-after,” reality becomes disappointing and meaningless; it doesn’t measure up and it sets in that so much of life is wasted in the futile pursuit of something that doesn’t exist. And it’s never going to simply because we’d wish so desperately for it to be so.

I’m ok without a happily-ever-after, whether before or after death; because like tales of gods, demons, angels and zombies, it’s a myth. A fantasy that serves no purpose but to take us outside ourselves and perhaps give meaning to our trials and tribulations, spurring us on because “it will all work out in the end.”

Ultimately, the end is death. It comes to us all so of course it “works out.” The best I can hope for is a life well lived, people who will remember me because I somehow made a difference, and maybe even some who’ll love me warts and all. Even though I’ve insisted on embracing reality in all its ugliness, including making bad decisions and suffering the consequences, but always living as honestly as I know how. No gods to thank or devils to curse. Just one fallible human being who seriously screws the pooch now and then, but no worse than many, many others do or have…

This is the life I have. I’ll be who I am, say what I say and do what I do and hope I get at least some of it right. It’s all I can manage for whatever time I have left, so enjoy it while you can. Argue with me, tell me why you think I’m wrong if you do, and if I’m being pig-headed or bat-shit insane by all means call in reinforcements to talk me out of the trees. If you care enough about me, or get to know me well enough, you’ll know what’s really me (sane or insane), when I’m playing Devil’s Advocate or when I’ve donned my alter-ego in preparation for a good dust-up. I never said I didn’t like to create a stir! In fact, if there is some sort of “purpose” that’s exactly why I’m here.

“Seek and ye shall find...” Well, it’s not the finding that matters after all. It’s the seeking in and of itself that makes life worth living. Even when others would prefer your seeking not test the bonds of their own faith. It’s a risk you take in pursuit of knowledge. The rewards are totally worth it.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Going Under - Evanescence

Damn, I just love this band!

Now I will tell you what I’ve done for you -
50 thousand tears I’ve cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -
And you still won’t hear me.
(going under)
Don’t want your hand this time - I’ll save myself.
Maybe I’ll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I’d reached the bottom

I’m dying again

I’m going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through
I’m going under

Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies.
(So I don’t know what’s real) So I don’t know what’s real and what’s not (and what’s not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can’t trust myself anymore

I’m dying again

I’m going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through

I’m…

So go on and scream
Scream at me I’m so far away (so far away)
I won’t be broken again (again)
I’ve got to breathe - I can’t keep going under

I’m dying again

I’m going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through

I’m going under (going under)
I’m going under (drowning in you)
I’m going under

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Am I Hammered? Sure!

Am I hammered? Sure! But that just means I’m feeling free to say some things I’ve held back for one reason or another. And maybe that’ll serve as a suitable justification for anything that might be hurtful…

Someone who’s been my friend forever, and my lover a few times over the past 20 years, has decided he’s never speaking to me again. One can only hope that someday reality will set in and such drastic and dramatic measures won’t be necessary. After a bit over a year of being in each other’s company every waking moment, it’s clear there’s no way in hell we could possibly live together. I’m bipolar. I’m also a raving atheist with a foul mouth, and every now and then I go off on a tangent. In doing so, I guess I offended my other-half-by-default when my ravings included some things that insulted certain beliefs and world views he holds dear.

Since he recently came up with another example of my ravings during a meltdown, I realized that it was in some way a very passive-aggressive method of trying to elicit SOME sort of response from him… if he actually LOVED me you’d think he would have made his feelings known; let me know it bothered him that I was saying things that make him feel or look bad. Knowing something pretty much requires the knowledge being shared, and I could never get a straight answer as to what he felt for me. As I went into my insane, absurd comedy routine about how things were so bad I was considering making myself a commodity, a simple, “No girlfriend of mine needs to think like that,” would’ve gone a long way. As would having stood back, let me do my bit and then tell me how that doesn’t need to happen because YOU have a better plan! Is it really so much to ask to be told, or at least shown that you’re loved? The words ARE nice to hear every now and again, especially when it’s well known that they’re not uttered indiscriminately.

No matter now though. Guess I’m once again free to be the obnoxious bitch I’ve lost touch with in my attempts to censor myself so as not to be so “in-your-face” with my activism, thereby annoying or insulting someone who has to live with me and grit his teeth. Hopefully we can have a normal adult relationship once again, because I really do miss him as a friend. You can’t know someone for 35 years and let all of that history be destroyed by a short-term clusterfuck that didn’t work out as planned. We’ve done the friends-to-lovers-and-back routine before, and I don’t see any reason not to make this the last time and just be friends. That, however, is up to the person who holds the grudge. Everyone knows I’m always here and ready to listen…

Monday, October 06, 2008

Six Feet Under: Reaching back in time

I was recently going through some old posts on my secret blog, and found a link to something I posted on HBO’s “Six Feet Under” Forums, which I spent a lot of time on while the show was running. It was therapeutic for me… both the show itself, and working out some of the feelings I was going through during that time. It’s interesting to note that more than 5 years ago I was still struggling with things I needed to say even back then, that never were addressed until just recently. Of course, things have gone in a direction I’d never have imagined, but at least I was finally able to find the courage I needed. It took years, but at least it happened. The names had been changed when I penned the post, to protect… well… everyone.

http://boards.hbo.com/topic/Six-Feet-Archives/Death-Loss/618?&start=243&tstart=0

Re: Death and Loss
May 13, 2003 4:38 AM [post (1438 of 1684)]

My most recent loss of a loved one was the very sudden and unexpected death of a friend I’d known since junior high school, and only a few months younger than me, in November, 2001. For many years, she and her family were more like my own than the people I share DNA with—they were the ones I spent holidays with, lived and interacted with daily… my daughter is even named for the deceased’s older sister (we’ll call them Shelly and Kate; Shelly being the deceased). It has been one of the most intense experiences of my entire life, and has caused me to spend a whole lot of time in self-examination and reflection. May I say right now how glad I am that SFU (and the board here) exists, and provides me with a forum to get some things out that might sound a bit looney anywhere else?

In addition to the sibling-ish familial ties that developed over the years, when I was in my late 20s I had a rather roller-coaster, on & off and passionate romantic relationship with Shelly & Kate’s younger brother Mike, who was in his mid-twenties back then.

We’d been best of friends for about 4 years (while the girls were raising small children we were single, child-free and in a rock band together, woo hoo!) when it just so happened that we were both between relationships and we found ourselves out on a Valentine’s Day date (my first ever—I was twenty-seven, how pathetic is that?) When he kissed me goodnight that night, it did NOT feel incestuous, as I had feared it would when he asked for it.

Lots of things happened over the next 3 years, and by April of 1992 this man was the one who had my heart, and to this day I say he’s the one who taught me how to truly love, and how to be in a healthy relationship; primarily because in hindsight I see that the mistakes I made with him are fatal to a healthy one. Shelly had always known and accepted how I felt about Mike, while Kate totally disapproved and pretended it wasn’t happening—unfortunately, after breaking up once, we enabled her denial by sort of keeping our relationship under wraps from her when we were seeing each other again. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Our relationship ended abruptly, yet without any confrontation between us, when I found out from Kate he’d knocked up this girl he’d been seeing and was marrying her (In this scenario, he’s Nate, she’s Lisa and I’m Brenda LOL). He avoided me at all costs, and in deference to the fact that they were HIS actual family, I stayed away on holidays and lost my close connections with the rest of the family.

The next time I laid eyes on him was the day after Shelly died nearly 10 years later, and my heart broke all over again. I’d scarcely spent any time at all with Shelly because of the situation with Mike, and now she was gone forever. Dammitall we were supposed to be crazy old ladies together, and regale our grandchildren with stories from our heydays in the 80s as rocker chicks!

Kate had taken all of Shelly’s things from her apartment, to spare her husband’s having reminders everywhere (instead, Kate had a dining room full of reminders). Two months after Shelly’d gone, Kate and I went through her things and spent the day laughing, crying and reminiscing. Among her possessions were pictures of Shelly, her hubby, Mike & I when life was good and we were all young, in love and enjoying ourselves together. I sobbed like a baby thinking to myself, “She knew how much I loved her, it shows in our faces here.” But I also felt SO guilty for letting Mike’s inability to face me get in the way of spending time with Shelly…

Worst of all, I still to this day cannot bring myself to address all of this with Kate. As far as I know, she believes that what was between Mike & I all those years ago was little more than a fling followed by a bit of drama (because I am a damned good actress, by God!) that has been forgotten. In fact, he was probably the greatest love of my life, and had I not met my husband 8 years ago I’d likely still be pining away for Mike today.

Shelly’s death hammered home how important it is to make time to let the people you love know it, even if it means risking an uncomfortable situation. At the same time, she gave me an opportunity to come clean with two of the people I love the most…

Trouble is, I’ve yet to find the courage to do so. :(

I got a response from a great gal, “Xtreemli,” who’d suffered the loss of her 17 year old daughter rather recently, in a terrible car crash. She was one of my favorite contributers to the SFU boards, and someone I hope I can find again someday soon on this giant network, the world wide web. I think of her often and wonder how she is and what she’s been doing…

Re: Death and Loss
May 13, 2003 1:05 PM [post (1441 of 1684)]

Shelly’s death hammered home how important it is to make time to let the people you love know it, even if it means risking an uncomfortable situation. At the same time, she gave me an opportunity to come clean with two of the people I love the most…

Trouble is, I’ve yet to find the courage to do so.

rox,
Hang in there. It’s not so much about courage. I sense you have plenty of that. Like Brenda said, it’s about timing. When the time is right, you will know what to do.

She was right… it’s about timing. It took me until about a year ago to finally come clean with “Mike,” and it ended up working out just fine. “Kate,” on the other hand, apparently never did care what my true feelings were, because in the end her distaste for the idea of my being with her brother, no matter how much I truly care for him and wanted to be with him was outweighed by her feelings that by “disrespecting” her in my refusal to acquiesce to her demands that I choose between her continued friendship and what my heart was telling me was right: to follow my heart and give ourselves a 2nd chance at a relationship that was on the up & up, rather than a secret that was forced upon us due to the disapproval of someone who, in the end, wasn’t really a part of it and whose feelings about it shouldn’t have mattered in the least. I guess the sad truth is that there are any number of people whose love is, in fact, conditional. It’s not in my nature, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to comprehend how it can be so in others… especially those who claim to be Christians. It’s for these people that the bumper-sticker axiom “Jesus Would Slap the Shit Out of You” was created.

I suffered in silence for years for my complicity in the subterfuge and deceit I played along with in order to have a relationship with someone I truly loved. Now I’m just too fucking old to play those kind of games, and if I’ve learned anything over the past few years it’s that no matter how far out of my way I go to make other people happy, the end result is that I’m the one left holding the bag and dealing with the misery. It’s my life… and if anyone doesn’t like how I live it or how I choose to talk about it, that’s their fucking problem and they can stay the fuck out of my life - which includes taking it upon themselves to pontificate with their self-righteous bullshit opinions to anyone who’ll listen; especially people who are mature enough to remain my friends because they know it’s none of their goddamned business how I choose to conduct my love life.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

In Honor of Banned Books Week

My video celebration of the freedom to READ!!!

Here’s what I dicked around with here & there today, while B went to church with a couple friends who’ll be moving away soon…

If you want any of these books, let me know! They’re in the “donate” category here at OBHQ.

Update: I tried to upload this video to MyspaceTV and it got BLOCKED for “infringement” due to the background music. For-fucking-give ME… it’s not like I used the song without attribution, nor am I using it to sell anything, goddammit! You see… this is how it happens, the “boiling of the frog.” It is not government, but the megacorporations who’ve got the government in their pockets that are using their power to restrain our speech… for NOW. We stand for it, then get used to it, and give away our most cherished rights and freedoms because we’ve trusted others to tell us how we can and cannot exercise them.

This is America. ”Somewhat free” speech is NOT enough!