Thursday, March 29, 2007

Random thoughts from an email to infidelguy

Growing up unwhite, and the popularity of gangsters

I was just writing a “short” email to IG, and ended up with this bit of stuff that’s been rolling around in my brain lately… and I’ve gotta take advantage of it when the muse comes upon me!

I’m old enough to remember the Civil Rights marches, racial tensions and riots in the 60s; and as the daughter of a jazz & blues musician was raised without those prejudices of many of my peers. Unlike most of the kids I grew up with, I didn’t even realize our black friends were different, much less deserving of the distrust and prejudice I later encountered, until I went to school (where I was horrified to learn just how fucked up people can be to anyone unlike themselves). 40 years later, I realize that my family, my upbringing and my life’s experiences have always given me a greater sense of kinship with blacks (and as time’s gone by, latinos) than I could ever possibly have with “white” people. White folks own houses, have educations, clearly defined family trees whose branches are all legitimate, and don’t seem to have (or are quite astute at hiding) so many of those “family characters”:  the crazy auntie or grandma… the drunken uncle or cousin crackhead. That certainly doesn’t describe MY family! There are baby-daddies, adopted out kids, teen motherhood, addicts, criminals and straight-up nutjobs in my huge, matriarchal, Catholic-on-both-sides family, who landed in NY back in the late 19th & early 20th centuries, and settled in a mill town in CT that’s now a shit-hole. A bunch of us escaped and have been in Southern California since the 60’s and 70s, but on the whole we’re still just dirtbags from Waterbury at heart (and I use the term with the greatest affection), and there’s plenty of drama and gossip. 

The family members that’re my age actually own homes now, and our kids are the first generation to go to college (and NOT be forced to go to church!).

It’s taken generations to get to this point - and now I’m not talking just about my own family, but for everyone’s; because popular culture now comes into play. The glamorization of “gangsta” life, pimps, hos, greed and criminality in general, while really nothing new, seems to be taken more seriously by young people today - or maybe is just more easily and quickly adopted by way of their attire, speech and mannerisms, due to their much greater exposure to media. There’s nothing glamorous about being a criminal, a teen parent or any of that low life. Which is not to say that I don’t appreciate the stories being TOLD through the media… it’d just be so much better if people (especially kids) would take them as entertainment and cautionary tales, rather than as depicting a way of life worth aspiring to.

If there’s one rather common thread I’ve seen, it’s that it’ll need to be the women who take this particular bull by the horns. Mothers (many of them too young, and single) have to kick their sons’ asses into shape, and refuse to bring men into their lives who serve as a bad example. Not-mothers, girls and young women should start having more respect for themselves and stop hooking up with guys who have a string of baby-mamas, a criminal record and the attitude that women are inferior and/or exist for their pleasure and exploitation. Stop having sex with these losers, or otherwise giving them attention, and maybe they’ll finally get their overinflated heads out of their asses and realize that being a real man - responsible, hard-working and honest - will get them more of what they want (women), and as a result they’ll get further in life.

Yes, I just said what you think I said… in as “family-friendly” a way as I could manage.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

What a movie! I’m CRANKed up for sure!

Review of “Crank” DVD released Jan 2007

Trying to post this on my myspace blog, but as usual they’re “Sorry, an unexpected error has occured” and the fucking thing won’t post.  Thank Jebus I have my own goddamned blog!!!

Within the past week more than a few people have mentioned this movie, “Crank” and said it was just unbelievable. By happy coincidence, it arrived from Netflix yesterday, and for the first time in a while I actually sat down and watched a whole movie from beginning to end.

Fitz told me it was one of those films that keeps you on the edge of your seat from beginning to end… and boy, he wasn’t kidding! I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet, but I will say that the premise of the story and the way it was shot was friggin’ brilliant… there was suspense, fear and danger, and it seems as though you’re right inside the main character’s body and mind. Wow… just wow!

It’s full of violence, blood and gore, but there are also moments of romance and comic relief in the most absurd settings. The more than memorable, and very public, sex scene includes one of those moments. I won’t ruin the laugh in the scene, but I will say the (completely clothed) sex scene in general is pretty hot - especially if you’re one of us voyeur-types or fans of public naughtiness!  (OK. I admit it, I’ve been feeling a bit randy all day *sigh*) From now on, anytime I walk through Chinatown I’m sure I’ll hear my inner sex freak’s knowing chuckle and get just a little breathless. Hmmmm…

Isn’t it interesting how a few moments’ time can replay in your memory over and over, and actually affect you physically? Then again, I suppose that’s a double-edged sword, being that not all memories are necessarily good ones.

There were no special features on the DVD, which sucked; I’m nearly as interested in the special features as the movies themeselves… dammit, that’s what DVDs are for!

Monday, February 12, 2007

Damn, these pills are something!

I’ve been taking sleeping pills because I can’t stay asleep for more than a couple hours at a time otherwise. They work quite well… but weirdo that I am, I like to fight the initial knock-out at the beginning just because it’s such a comfy slide down into oblivion. Stupid things are funny and I have trouble typing but I’ve got to say I can’t think of a time I’ve been more relaxed lately… other than post-cocktails and funny cigs at the Church of the San Clemente Sunset.

My hair finally got the coloring I meant to do a month ago, so at least I won’t feel like I look SO old.  And I’ve got to get out and do a photo shoot with Jessica really soon! I ain’t getting any younger, and I need to make sure there are lots of good pictures of me.  Gawd forbid some of the more horrid ones are all anyone has to work with!

Fading fasr, time to post this before I nod off…

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

How I’ve spent the past 2 weeks; sleep deprived

I went from having no job at all, to being a Site Integrator and jumping right in to a team of web developers 2 weeks before the launch of a massive project.  It’s called “crunch time,” and I’ve been putting in over 12 hours/day since I started.

Right now, however, I’m sitting here at my desk, sipping champagne that got passed around moments after we launched!!!  The project I work on is DisneyXD, but the whole Disney.com site got a makeover—and it’s fucking PHENOMENAL.

It’s hard to believe sometimes that I, a high-school-educated dirtbag from Waterbury, CT and primarily self-taught web geek, have had the great fortune to work with some of the most talented designers, engineers, database admins, game programmers and producers in the world; on some of the most awesome sites on the internet.

Sheer coolness and the opportunity to learn from people I admire SO much for their knowledge and expertise are worth every minute of sleep I’ve missed in the quest to be a part of something GREAT!

(P.S. - If you’re trying to visit the sites from outside the US, you’ll have to find a way to go through some sort of proxy that’ll give you an IP address from the US; otherwise you’ll be redirected to the international site.  Sorry!)

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Finding “my baby daddy” on MySpace

The circumstances surrounding the conception and birth of my daughter could’ve come straight out of a Jerry Springer or Maury Povich talk show.  I’d been broken up with my then-boyfriend for a few months, and had a brief, rather intense fling with a man quite a bit younger than I (who’s the same age as my husband, but the gap seemed so much wider when I was in my late 20s and he was 19!). I can’t really say whether, how long or even IF it would have lasted, had I not gone running back to my boyfriend; who ultimately turned out to be a total dickhead who left me when I was 5 1/2 months pregnant with what we both thought was his baby. This, of course, after his being all gung-ho to be a family and whatnot.

Well, as it turned out, Dickhead was not “my baby daddy,” but that wasn’t established until well after she was a year old. I’m ashamed to say that I wasn’t the one to give the Boy the news that he’d fathered a daughter, but he’d moved away and I hadn’t had contact with him since I’d ditched him to go back to the Dickhead. It just so happened that he’d called one of my sisters to wish her Happy New Year, and she told him about the Princess. I was unprepared when she put the phone in my hand, and in retrospect, I realize that although I said exactly what I meant to say, it came off as cold, harsh and in his eyes was a big “fuck off,” although that was unquestionably NOT my intention. And for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t have slept with him at all if I didn’t love him at least a little bit. As much as I’d have liked to, I really never was able to treat sex the way a man would. The Boy would have had no place in my bed without first having had a special place in my heart.

It’s always been my opinion that no man should be forced to support a child he either didn’t know about, didn’t want or otherwise didn’t step up and commit to because he was left in the dark about things somehow. Most especially when he’s barely an adult himself. And if I didn’t live by my own convictions, I’d be a hypocrite!  At no time during my pregnancy was there even a hint of suspicion that the baby was anyone’s other than the Dickhead’s, so the Boy really had absolutely no say in the matter, and I couldn’t bring myself to hold him accountable for a decision that was, in the end, no one’s but my own. I’d made the commitment to be a parent, and had a long time to prepare for it; he hadn’t, because he’d never even known.

On that day so many years ago, I did promise him that I’d never lie to our daughter and that I’d always make sure we were easy to find if he was looking. I also told him that one day she’d probably want to look for him, and I’d help her to find him.  Although she didn’t start asking until last year, I admit I did do a bit of searching online over the years just out of curiosity. As it turns out though, I was misspelling his last name, which I figured out just a few weeks ago.  Oddly enough, he just recently joined MySpace at the urging of his younger daughter, after quite a long time of resisting because “MySpace is for girls!”

It wasn’t without some hesitation and anxiety that I sent him a message and a friend request; after all, I had no idea whether he’d ever told anyone about the Princess and I admit I was a little bit scared that he’d hate me because I was so cold and emotionless on the phone all those years ago.  Luckily, he’s glad we found him and he’s always let it be known that a day might come when a grownup version of the little girl whose picture my sister gave him years ago and he’s carried around ever since would come looking for him.

My long, long overdue apology, while truly heartfelt and sincere, couldn’t even come close to expressing how truly sorry I am… it wasn’t what I said, but how I said it. And although the truth of the matter is that at the time of that phone call I was, I know now, deep in depression and full of self-loathing for having failed to consider the possibility of the Boy’s paternity; and because during my pregnancy I suppose I was so invested in the baby being the Dickhead’s that I allowed myself to believe she couldn’t be anyone’s but his. I felt like a horrible person and a fool, and rather than show my shame and my pain I acted as though I felt nothing, when that was hardly the case. Worst of all, I hurt someone who didn’t deserve it.

If I’ve learned anything in all my years, it’s that words can and do hurt people, and quite often it’s not the most blatant attacks or verbal abuse, but a one-time conversation or something that might appear to be just a bit of teasing that turns out to be at the root of some of our deepest emotional wounds. Just as my uncles’ and my stepfather’s negative comments ("teasing") about my looks or my weight have (I’ve discovered recently) contributed a great deal to the negative body image that’s a huge problem for me, I can’t help but wonder if my words that day might have resounded down through the years and made some things problematic for the Boy in his life since then. I wish I could go back and do it all over again without hurting him, but it’s too late; so the best I can do now is be as supportive as possible as he & the Princess finally get to know one another. Both of them are thrilled yet nervous about finally meeting, and the Princess is so happy to know she has a little sister. And me, I’m just grateful for the opportunity to set things right after fucking it up so badly, and grateful that the Boy understands now that I never meant to cause him any pain. I may not be able to make up for the hurt, but I can do my damnedest to make sure that I don’t do anything so cruel and thoughtless again, no matter how bad I’m feeling myself.

Most of all, I can thank him for our wonderful, beautiful daughter who is the light of my life and the reason for everything I do. And I can’t wait for him to see with his own eyes what an exceptional young woman she is; flesh of his flesh, blood of his blood.

The Boy done good.