Saturday, February 16, 2002

Learning from past relationships

I have a secret blog that’s secure and protected, existing only for me as a brain dump sort of place.  It’s there I write some of the things that need to come out, but for one reason or another cannot be addressed aloud with certain people, or in some cases anyone at all.  It’s pretty good therapy overall, I guess.

I wrote there tonight about the guy who took me on my very first REAL Valentine’s Day date.  What’s ironic is that we went out as just friends, and after that night had a rather convoluted relationship for the better part of 3 years.  I believe you learn something from every relationship, and what he taught me was that lying about my level of attachment was a bad thing.

I truly loved him, and wanted him for my own; yet I pretended just the opposite, and simply suffered in silence when he’d flirt or go off with other women.  Our relationship ended without a word between us.  Someone else told me he was marrying a girl he’d gotten pregnant, and when I flipped out, he found out about it and avoided me from that moment on.  We’d been friends since childhood, and his family was like my own, yet in the past 10 years I’ve neither seen nor spoken to him (though I’d inquire about him all the time).  However, recently we were brought together in mourning; hardly a chance to address issues long unresolved. 

Hopefully one day we can clear the air.  So much time has passed and our lives have gone on, but I’ve sorely missed having his friendship and his ability to cheer me no matter how bad things seemed.  What’s truly ironic is that I married a man who has many of the same qualities that caused Valentine Guy to capture my heart all those years ago.  In the 2 years or so between losing him and meeting my husband, there was one Transition Guy—the guy who kept me from pining away for Valentine Guy. Those two couldn’t have been more different, and though Transition Guy was somewhat fun, I knew full well there was no future there, and neither of us had any problem voicing that—and we remain friends to this day.  I know there’s a part of me that will love Valentine Guy forever, and it makes me want to thank him for helping me to see more clearly what I desired in a partner.  And let him know that even though the ending was a dramatic one, it probably helped me to become a bit more truthful to myself and the man I love.

Life is really fucking strange sometimes.

Thursday, February 07, 2002

A Freaky Day In Lockdown

The Princess came down with an ear infection and left school early on Monday, and I’ve been home with her since Tuesday.  3 sick days this week {sigh}!  It’s really a good thing I’ve been feeling so well myself, and that the Company allows us to use our own sick days to take care of sick family members.  Regardless, I can’t help feeling guilty for not being in the office working.  Someday, perhaps, I’ll finally break free of the Puritan Work Ethic the US is so freakin’ proud of.  It’s really not healthy.

Tuesday was a totally FREAKY day.  From noon until after midnight, my neighborhood was in a state of lockdown by the LAPD.  There’s nothing like hearing helicopters overhead for 12 solid hours, knowing there’s an armed-and-dangerous criminal on the loose and being advised hourly on the news that the police want the residents to stay inside with all their windows and doors locked.  I wasn’t all that worried, but the Princess was really scared (her dad’s done a pretty good job at cultivating the paranoia, I guess!  Though he’d NOT be amused by my saying so; what I call paranoia he calls being “safety conscious.” No matter, he never looks at this site anyway...).  Between the place crawling with LAPD, our property’s iron perimeter fence, the security doors, the fact that I live on a cul-de-sac and the presence of Apache (living proof that you can’t judge a book—or a dog—by its cover.  She’s a wuss; which is not to say she’s not a great guard dog, though!), I felt quite safe.  Poor Apache, not only was there all this crazy activity going on but my sister, her “mom,” was one of the people trying unsuccessfully to get back into the neighborhood.  Apache did a lot of whining for her mom, but also spent quite a bit of time just sitting inside the gate at the end of the driveway guarding the premises.

I’ll bet the city spent several hundred thousand dollars on that lockdown… and the guy was probably halfway to Mexico by the time they even secured the neighborhood.  What a waste!  My friggin’ tax dollars at work.  Damn!

Monday, January 28, 2002

Sheesh!

Sheesh!  It’s been WAY too long since I’ve posted.  Due to a stray space in one of the Blogger tags, I haven’t been able to publish in months.  I finally went through the code with a fine-tooth comb and found that li’l bugger though… Have I mentioned that I detest troubleshooting code?  Well, at least now I know it’s all so clean it squeaks!

Doing a little maintenance and sprucing up around here; I think it’s time OB’s really unleashed on the world…

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

I am sick to my soul

I’m in a state of shock.  America is at war… we’re not quite sure with WHOM yet, but when we are, justice should be swift and befitting the horrific nature of the acts committed against us.  I wouldn’t call myself a patriotic person, but I believe in the freedom America stands for, and as a country we cannot allow ourselves to be intimidated into giving up our freedoms for a sense of “security.” We the people WILL stick together and fight the enemies of freedom, with fucking ball bats and crowbars if it comes down to it.  Though I have to admit there’s a part of me that hopes the US will just eradicate the country from whence the threat and show ALL terrorists that there will be no quarter given.

While I’m not really fearful for my safety at home, I *would* rather be with my family 75 miles away; if for no other reason than I think it’s important for those of us who love each other be together in this horrific time of sadness and mourning.  Then again, I’ve always been one to feel it’s important to gather the tribe.  There are so many things that I thought were worthy of stressing over yesterday, that mean little or nothing today.  Job, house, possessions… all easily replaced.  My life and the lives of those I love, the moments I can share with them are irreplaceable.  I have a lot of thinking to do… today my thoughts and attitudes have been forever changed.

I’ll never be the same.

Prayers and thoughts to everyone whose lives were affected in today’s tragedies.  May you and yours find peace, and may justice be served so the loss of life is not in vain.

Monday, September 03, 2001

Summer is officially over

Not that it makes much difference to those of us who no longer attend school, except that the freeways are a bit less crowded.  I’ll be laboring on Labor Day, since there are still so many unfinished domestic tasks.  My entire body is stiff and sore from yard work 2 days ago, but I can’t let that stand in the way of getting as much work done as I possibly can!  When weekends present the only opportunity to get things done, time slips by quickly.  Next thing I know, it’ll be too cold and wet to get anything accomplished so I’m feeling the pressure to get the yard done to my satisfaction before the weather turns.