Friday, May 15, 2009

Seek and ye shall find…

Repost from my Myspace Blog

I suppose you can see it coming in this picture:

Off to my First Communion, the pseudobridal outfit accessorized with a dirty cast mending the arm I broke falling out of a tree (after having been forbidden to play on the monkey-bars at school). I suppose in my imperfect state I didn’t make much of an impression on Jesus… before I ate him, heh.

My eventual apostasy started with one simple question two years later. Having been blessed (or cursed, depending upon whom you asked) with intelligence and cognitive abilities far beyond my years, I asked the first of many questions for which I’d be given the most unsatisfying of answers, that is, “It’s a matter of Faith.” As Sister Jeannine told us the tragic story of Abel’s murder and Cain’s banishment for fratricide, the question came to me and I simply had to know… “There was only Adam, Eve, Cain & Abel. When God kicked Cain out of Eden, he said, ‘Surely Lord, someone will kill me.’ Who else was there?”

And so it began.

By the time I was in my 20s I knew that there were all sorts of people nearby that Cain might need to be concerned about (and find a wife among). Turns out all that Genesis stuff was just one story from one sect among a great many, there & then. It’s just that the Jews (and their later step-children the Christians) insisted their god was the only true god, and as his chosen people they wrote their stories as if they were the center of the universe. In studying the myths and legends of people other than them, in periods of history both before and after what’s known as the Bible came to be, one gets a better sense of how and why it is what it is… and why some people are happy with non-answers like, “It’s a matter of Faith.”

Trouble is, I could never be one of them. It was explained to me thusly: “Your intellect gets in the way of faith.” Perhaps… like the dirty cast on my broken arm when I “met” Jesus for the first time, my inability to ignore what I know in favor of what I’d prefer to believe is the imperfection - the sin - that keeps me from ever “knowing” God, or any of the thousands of other deities who are, in my opinion, far more worthy of my acquaintance to say nothing of adoration and obedience.

In spite of not being a believer myself, I remain ever curious and talk to those that do. I want to know when, why, and how they came to conclude that their particular brand of Christianity, or any other belief system was “the one.” Cuz all of that matters! The evangelical Christian who got “saved” at a West Coast megachurch in the 80s is far different than the Catholic college kid from New England, or the Jehovah’s Witness-turned-New Ager. Different life circumstance, time, geographic placement; it’s what we experience up til now that makes us who we are, that shapes our thoughts and dreams. Add in a liberal dose of ideological and theological “education” and beliefs are sure to come into play. I want to know what makes people tick, and why they picked the path they did.

When it comes to religious beliefs, it truly IS a conscious choice. I admit I’m especially baffled by biblical literalists. For whatever reason, some people feel a need to walk a path wherein they are told every step of the way that they are creatures unworthy of the life they were “given,” that all the suffering they endure in their time on this earth is their punishment for the mistakes of characters from an ancient legend, or that it’s just “God’s plan.” All they need do is have faith that after they’re dead, they’ll finally be worthy and everything will be happily-ever-after (as long as they’ve picked exactly the right way to please the guy-in-the-sky AND called him by the right name, that is). They see scientific knowledge as a threat, and even go so far as to deny accepted fact as the work of the devil and invent controversy or words that are meaningless to anyone but the people they indoctrinate and propagandize.

What I’ve learned by studying religion and acutally living in the real world for 47 years is that in fixating on the “happily-ever-after,” reality becomes disappointing and meaningless; it doesn’t measure up and it sets in that so much of life is wasted in the futile pursuit of something that doesn’t exist. And it’s never going to simply because we’d wish so desperately for it to be so.

I’m ok without a happily-ever-after, whether before or after death; because like tales of gods, demons, angels and zombies, it’s a myth. A fantasy that serves no purpose but to take us outside ourselves and perhaps give meaning to our trials and tribulations, spurring us on because “it will all work out in the end.”

Ultimately, the end is death. It comes to us all so of course it “works out.” The best I can hope for is a life well lived, people who will remember me because I somehow made a difference, and maybe even some who’ll love me warts and all. Even though I’ve insisted on embracing reality in all its ugliness, including making bad decisions and suffering the consequences, but always living as honestly as I know how. No gods to thank or devils to curse. Just one fallible human being who seriously screws the pooch now and then, but no worse than many, many others do or have…

This is the life I have. I’ll be who I am, say what I say and do what I do and hope I get at least some of it right. It’s all I can manage for whatever time I have left, so enjoy it while you can. Argue with me, tell me why you think I’m wrong if you do, and if I’m being pig-headed or bat-shit insane by all means call in reinforcements to talk me out of the trees. If you care enough about me, or get to know me well enough, you’ll know what’s really me (sane or insane), when I’m playing Devil’s Advocate or when I’ve donned my alter-ego in preparation for a good dust-up. I never said I didn’t like to create a stir! In fact, if there is some sort of “purpose” that’s exactly why I’m here.

“Seek and ye shall find...” Well, it’s not the finding that matters after all. It’s the seeking in and of itself that makes life worth living. Even when others would prefer your seeking not test the bonds of their own faith. It’s a risk you take in pursuit of knowledge. The rewards are totally worth it.