Obnoxious Bitch

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Am I Hammered? Sure!

Am I hammered? Sure! But that just means I’m feeling free to say some things I’ve held back for one reason or another. And maybe that’ll serve as a suitable justification for anything that might be hurtful…

Someone who’s been my friend forever, and my lover a few times over the past 20 years, has decided he’s never speaking to me again. One can only hope that someday reality will set in and such drastic and dramatic measures won’t be necessary. After a bit over a year of being in each other’s company every waking moment, it’s clear there’s no way in hell we could possibly live together. I’m bipolar. I’m also a raving atheist with a foul mouth, and every now and then I go off on a tangent. In doing so, I guess I offended my other-half-by-default when my ravings included some things that insulted certain beliefs and world views he holds dear.

Since he recently came up with another example of my ravings during a meltdown, I realized that it was in some way a very passive-aggressive method of trying to elicit SOME sort of response from him… if he actually LOVED me you’d think he would have made his feelings known; let me know it bothered him that I was saying things that make him feel or look bad. Knowing something pretty much requires the knowledge being shared, and I could never get a straight answer as to what he felt for me. As I went into my insane, absurd comedy routine about how things were so bad I was considering making myself a commodity, a simple, “No girlfriend of mine needs to think like that,” would’ve gone a long way. As would having stood back, let me do my bit and then tell me how that doesn’t need to happen because YOU have a better plan! Is it really so much to ask to be told, or at least shown that you’re loved? The words ARE nice to hear every now and again, especially when it’s well known that they’re not uttered indiscriminately.

No matter now though. Guess I’m once again free to be the obnoxious bitch I’ve lost touch with in my attempts to censor myself so as not to be so “in-your-face” with my activism, thereby annoying or insulting someone who has to live with me and grit his teeth. Hopefully we can have a normal adult relationship once again, because I really do miss him as a friend. You can’t know someone for 35 years and let all of that history be destroyed by a short-term clusterfuck that didn’t work out as planned. We’ve done the friends-to-lovers-and-back routine before, and I don’t see any reason not to make this the last time and just be friends. That, however, is up to the person who holds the grudge. Everyone knows I’m always here and ready to listen…