Saturday, February 16, 2002

Learning from past relationships

I have a secret blog that’s secure and protected, existing only for me as a brain dump sort of place.  It’s there I write some of the things that need to come out, but for one reason or another cannot be addressed aloud with certain people, or in some cases anyone at all.  It’s pretty good therapy overall, I guess.

I wrote there tonight about the guy who took me on my very first REAL Valentine’s Day date.  What’s ironic is that we went out as just friends, and after that night had a rather convoluted relationship for the better part of 3 years.  I believe you learn something from every relationship, and what he taught me was that lying about my level of attachment was a bad thing.

I truly loved him, and wanted him for my own; yet I pretended just the opposite, and simply suffered in silence when he’d flirt or go off with other women.  Our relationship ended without a word between us.  Someone else told me he was marrying a girl he’d gotten pregnant, and when I flipped out, he found out about it and avoided me from that moment on.  We’d been friends since childhood, and his family was like my own, yet in the past 10 years I’ve neither seen nor spoken to him (though I’d inquire about him all the time).  However, recently we were brought together in mourning; hardly a chance to address issues long unresolved. 

Hopefully one day we can clear the air.  So much time has passed and our lives have gone on, but I’ve sorely missed having his friendship and his ability to cheer me no matter how bad things seemed.  What’s truly ironic is that I married a man who has many of the same qualities that caused Valentine Guy to capture my heart all those years ago.  In the 2 years or so between losing him and meeting my husband, there was one Transition Guy—the guy who kept me from pining away for Valentine Guy. Those two couldn’t have been more different, and though Transition Guy was somewhat fun, I knew full well there was no future there, and neither of us had any problem voicing that—and we remain friends to this day.  I know there’s a part of me that will love Valentine Guy forever, and it makes me want to thank him for helping me to see more clearly what I desired in a partner.  And let him know that even though the ending was a dramatic one, it probably helped me to become a bit more truthful to myself and the man I love.

Life is really fucking strange sometimes.

Monday, January 28, 2002

Sheesh!

Sheesh!  It’s been WAY too long since I’ve posted.  Due to a stray space in one of the Blogger tags, I haven’t been able to publish in months.  I finally went through the code with a fine-tooth comb and found that li’l bugger though… Have I mentioned that I detest troubleshooting code?  Well, at least now I know it’s all so clean it squeaks!

Doing a little maintenance and sprucing up around here; I think it’s time OB’s really unleashed on the world…

Saturday, May 26, 2001

Mom stops by

My mom cruised by the site, bless her heart (how many moms are proud of their unapologetic, porn-peddling pagan kids, I wonder?) and sent me a nice email:

I just read the OB site, and let me tell you I never thought that I brought up a pig girl, I know that you are a busy girl, I always do what I can for you, because I love you. Your house is not dirty.

She’s right, she didn’t bring up a pig girl… I am certainly a busy girl, which is why things like domestic chores end up at the bottom of my priority list.  And I suppose my house isn’t really dirty, it’s just messy because I tend to put things in piles to file away later instead of doing it right then and there.  Part of the problem is the house itself: a dream when we bought it last November, in 6 months it’s become a nightmare that’s cost me almost $20K in improvements (which merely fixed all the hidden illegal things and damage from the previous owner’s reign), and is nowhere near done enough for my liking.  Eight thousand of that went to a ripoff contractor whose job was to demolish the un-permitted dining room floor down to the foundation, and rebuild it to code.  While he technically got the room approved by the building department (it must have been magic, considering the inspector signed the final approval without even setting foot in the room that day), I know for a fact that it was not built according to the specs on the plans.  Saw it with my own two eyes!  To top it all off, he thinks I owe him another $5K (dream on, dude)… and the damned room doesn’t even have a finished floor!  So I have a dining room with just a plywood subfloor, a hole in the ceiling and numerous dings and damage to the walls.  How attractive and appetizing!  I’ve got stuff strewn hither and yon, in boxes, bags, cupboards, whatever.  I’m so tired of never being able to find things, it’s driving me nuts.

Sheer folly for a lifelong gypsy such as myself to do something so uncomfortably permanent as buying a house.  I’m faced with a difficult decision.  If I want out, I should sell now before I put any more time, money (neither of which I have at the moment) or effort into the place.  If I’m going to continue fixing it up, I should plan to be here for the next 5-7 years - otherwise there’s no chance of my making back anywhere near the amount of money I’ve put in.  The thought of what it will cost to keep Cat in private school until she goes off to college just makes me sick, but there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell I’ll put her in the schools in our district.  LA Unified School District has absolutely nothing to recommend it.  Every morning as I drive to work I pass the high school down the block and see kids that I’d be scared of, should I run into them in a back alley somewhere.  With her sensitivity and sweet nature, even in middle school these hardened-criminals-in-training would eat her alive.  She’s already got enough on her plate dealing with people staring at her and making comments about how skinny her arms and legs are, and her trouble doing things like climbing stairs or getting up when she falls (which is often).

Finding out that whoever I spoke to at the Burbank School District early last year had LIED when she told me I’d be able to keep Cat enrolled in school in Burbank was a crushing blow, and the first dark cloud to invade our happiness at finally having a home of our own.  We’d been here 2 whole months.  Since then, finding termites, along with all the problems with the house that the former owner caused by adding un-permitted additions and generally jury-rigging the whole place, and realizing what it will cost (finanacially, physically and emotionally) has just piled on top of that initial slap in the face. Which brings me to today, when I’m tempted to sell the place and everything in it, happily returning to a renter’s life with no responsibility for maintenance or upgrades… and relieved of a couple hundred grand worth of debt!

There’re so many fun things to do on a holiday Monday!  Laundry, for one - which means I’ll need soap.  And I do need some cigarettes… *sigh* I guess that means I have to go out into the world (blecch!).  Well, off to the market we go

Go watch some of my 3D shows:

SUPERMAN | CHOOSE YOUR OWN NIGHTMARE | XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS