Obnoxious Bitch

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Damn, I need a vacation

I spent a couple days in the perfect place for one, but it’s hard to “relax” when your heart’s just not in it… or more accurately, when your brain simply refuses to disengage from those thoughts that weigh heavily, because they’re “unresolved issues.” Coming from as large a family as I do, issues are legion; the usual internal ones that are directly related to me and my daily life, and those that are created for me simply by being issues for people I love.

Nearly every problem in my family could be resolved with nothing more complicated than the simple, unvarnished truth.  The whole fucking clan needs to take a tab of E (the original version, used in therapy) and get gabbing.  The past is what it is, everyone did what they had to do to survive… and not a friggin’ one of us gets through life without making foolish decisions or mistakes.  Who CARES?  I’ve done many things in my life I’m not proud of, but I certainly wouldn’t go so far as to perpetuate a web of lies to cover them up.  Jesus, we’re all a product of whatever choices we made in life up until this moment.  If my fuckups can serve as a lesson that’ll keep anyone else (most especially loved ones) from making the same mistakes and save someone a heartache, I’ll be the first to point out the ugly consequences of some of my choices.  I’ll take the chance that someone might be shocked or offended; it’s infinitely preferable to being thought a liar… or worse, being seen as some sort of paragon of virtue while aggressively guarding as secrets the less stellar moments of my life.  Too much pressure.

Life up ‘til now created Obnoxious Bitch, and the lack of truth and communication in my family is probably the largest influence.  Repression there makes expression here a must.  Or my fucking head will explode.