Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Laptop Lobbyists vs. Normal Bob Smith

Normal Bob’s being crucified and harassed for his Jesus Dress-Up fridge magnets, and now his website is threatened too, because of some frothing-at-the-mouth religious nuts. Because of all the publicity (and ensuing traffic), his host is talking about shutting him down.

Check out this fuckstick’s “call to arms” at Laptop Lobbyist.

The news report that started the whole firestorm not only chose to do so riding on the crest of publicity for “The Passion of the Christ,” but didn’t even have the fucking integrity and sense of fair play to display the URL of Jesus Dress-Up. I mean, really… the least you can do in return for loosing the rabid Christians on the guy is to mention his goddamned website, which he’s had up for FOUR YEARS! If he’s got to take the inevitable heat, at least throw the guy a bone and give him a plug for fuck’s sake.

Again I point out the irony:  the same people who want Bob’s fridge magnets removed from the shelves of UO stores are probably flocking to retailers to pay their $20 for an official “Passion” pendant, replicas of the nails driven into Jesus at his crucifixion. What the fuck kind of sick shit is that? Yet these creepy, blood-thirsty bastards have the balls to flip out about a CARTOON?

(Is it effective time management or just laziness when my blog entry is an edit of a post on a message board?)

Saturday, March 27, 2004

If only these Barbie dolls were REAL

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie dolls for the Connecticut market:

Darien Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at Neiman’s. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey, and a 3500 SF house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.

Harwinton Barbie - This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.

Bridgeport Barbie - This recently paroled former “Porn Actress” Barbie comes with a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth-lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

West Hartford Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

Bristol Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Glastonbury Barbie - This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. Percocet prescription available.

Beacon Falls Barbie - This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Bristol Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.

Woodbury Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow.” She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Northampton Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

New Haven Barbie - This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and four baby Barbies in the backseat (no car seats). The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for New Haven Barbie or Ken.

Waterbury Barbie - This Italian Princess Barbie comes with teased black hair, 12 gold chains, 7 gold bracelets, 8 rings and 1 ankle bracelet. Included are a permanently attached cell phone and a black Monte Carlo with ILUVTONY license plates. The accompanying Ken doll has been replaced with a black-haired Tony doll with hairy chest and gel/hairdryer kit. A camera/cellphone with the Mayor’s office on speed-dial is sold seperately.  (She’s the one from my hometown!)

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

I didn’t start it!

Hard to believe, but Jesus Dress Up has actually become a thread on the Gods & Generals Board.  Of course, I couldn’t resist posting in support of my favorite atheist rabble-rouser.  Hahaha!

Gotta run & write to Bob to invite him to check it out!

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

The Culture War is SO ON

The Culture War is “SO ON,” says Bill Maher in his blog.

With the Mel Gibson movie, the gay marriage debate, and Howard Stern getting yanked from stations because of indecency, the culture war is so on. And that’s just how Karl Rove wants it, because nothing gets white people to the polls like fear. In fact, the right wing is so fired up about Jews and gays and the potty mouth they’ve almost forgotten who the real enemy is – brown people.

FEAR.  So much for “the home of the brave...” People won’t even open their minds, or more importantly, their mouths anymore.  It’s disgusting.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Jesus Scores!

At the box office, that is.  $125 million to date.  Now, can someone please explain to me what the hell is so “daring” about putting up one’s own money to produce a Jesus movie - especially a pro-Christian Jesus movie?  Not only is Mel making a killing on actual theatre attendance, but as with any blockbuster Hollywood film, there’s the requisite licensed official merchandise.  And then the DVD, and on and on… it’s what Hollywood’s about.  Jesus is NOT difficult to market… or has no one been paying attention for the last 20 fucking years?

I won’t go see The Passion of the Christ.  Call me crazy, but watching a man be tortured for most of an entire movie can’t possibly succeed in making me accept the fairy tales in the Bible as magically true, any more than seeing pictures of aborted fetuses will.  Fixating on death and sacrifice is just creepy…

A comment I made even inspired Les (who’s a much better blogger than I!) to post about the marketing of Jesus over at his place: Stupid Evil Bastard: Making Cash from Christ’s Crucifixion.  SEB’s yet another great place I stumbled upon whoring around on the Yahoo! boards… nuggets of gold buried in piles of manure… ah life!