Obnoxious Bitch

Monday, October 06, 2008

Six Feet Under: Reaching back in time

I was recently going through some old posts on my secret blog, and found a link to something I posted on HBO’s “Six Feet Under” Forums, which I spent a lot of time on while the show was running. It was therapeutic for me… both the show itself, and working out some of the feelings I was going through during that time. It’s interesting to note that more than 5 years ago I was still struggling with things I needed to say even back then, that never were addressed until just recently. Of course, things have gone in a direction I’d never have imagined, but at least I was finally able to find the courage I needed. It took years, but at least it happened. The names had been changed when I penned the post, to protect… well… everyone.

http://boards.hbo.com/topic/Six-Feet-Archives/Death-Loss/618?&start=243&tstart=0

Re: Death and Loss
May 13, 2003 4:38 AM [post (1438 of 1684)]

My most recent loss of a loved one was the very sudden and unexpected death of a friend I’d known since junior high school, and only a few months younger than me, in November, 2001. For many years, she and her family were more like my own than the people I share DNA with—they were the ones I spent holidays with, lived and interacted with daily… my daughter is even named for the deceased’s older sister (we’ll call them Shelly and Kate; Shelly being the deceased). It has been one of the most intense experiences of my entire life, and has caused me to spend a whole lot of time in self-examination and reflection. May I say right now how glad I am that SFU (and the board here) exists, and provides me with a forum to get some things out that might sound a bit looney anywhere else?

In addition to the sibling-ish familial ties that developed over the years, when I was in my late 20s I had a rather roller-coaster, on & off and passionate romantic relationship with Shelly & Kate’s younger brother Mike, who was in his mid-twenties back then.

We’d been best of friends for about 4 years (while the girls were raising small children we were single, child-free and in a rock band together, woo hoo!) when it just so happened that we were both between relationships and we found ourselves out on a Valentine’s Day date (my first ever—I was twenty-seven, how pathetic is that?) When he kissed me goodnight that night, it did NOT feel incestuous, as I had feared it would when he asked for it.

Lots of things happened over the next 3 years, and by April of 1992 this man was the one who had my heart, and to this day I say he’s the one who taught me how to truly love, and how to be in a healthy relationship; primarily because in hindsight I see that the mistakes I made with him are fatal to a healthy one. Shelly had always known and accepted how I felt about Mike, while Kate totally disapproved and pretended it wasn’t happening—unfortunately, after breaking up once, we enabled her denial by sort of keeping our relationship under wraps from her when we were seeing each other again. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Our relationship ended abruptly, yet without any confrontation between us, when I found out from Kate he’d knocked up this girl he’d been seeing and was marrying her (In this scenario, he’s Nate, she’s Lisa and I’m Brenda LOL). He avoided me at all costs, and in deference to the fact that they were HIS actual family, I stayed away on holidays and lost my close connections with the rest of the family.

The next time I laid eyes on him was the day after Shelly died nearly 10 years later, and my heart broke all over again. I’d scarcely spent any time at all with Shelly because of the situation with Mike, and now she was gone forever. Dammitall we were supposed to be crazy old ladies together, and regale our grandchildren with stories from our heydays in the 80s as rocker chicks!

Kate had taken all of Shelly’s things from her apartment, to spare her husband’s having reminders everywhere (instead, Kate had a dining room full of reminders). Two months after Shelly’d gone, Kate and I went through her things and spent the day laughing, crying and reminiscing. Among her possessions were pictures of Shelly, her hubby, Mike & I when life was good and we were all young, in love and enjoying ourselves together. I sobbed like a baby thinking to myself, “She knew how much I loved her, it shows in our faces here.” But I also felt SO guilty for letting Mike’s inability to face me get in the way of spending time with Shelly…

Worst of all, I still to this day cannot bring myself to address all of this with Kate. As far as I know, she believes that what was between Mike & I all those years ago was little more than a fling followed by a bit of drama (because I am a damned good actress, by God!) that has been forgotten. In fact, he was probably the greatest love of my life, and had I not met my husband 8 years ago I’d likely still be pining away for Mike today.

Shelly’s death hammered home how important it is to make time to let the people you love know it, even if it means risking an uncomfortable situation. At the same time, she gave me an opportunity to come clean with two of the people I love the most…

Trouble is, I’ve yet to find the courage to do so. :(

I got a response from a great gal, “Xtreemli,” who’d suffered the loss of her 17 year old daughter rather recently, in a terrible car crash. She was one of my favorite contributers to the SFU boards, and someone I hope I can find again someday soon on this giant network, the world wide web. I think of her often and wonder how she is and what she’s been doing…

Re: Death and Loss
May 13, 2003 1:05 PM [post (1441 of 1684)]

Shelly’s death hammered home how important it is to make time to let the people you love know it, even if it means risking an uncomfortable situation. At the same time, she gave me an opportunity to come clean with two of the people I love the most…

Trouble is, I’ve yet to find the courage to do so.

rox,
Hang in there. It’s not so much about courage. I sense you have plenty of that. Like Brenda said, it’s about timing. When the time is right, you will know what to do.

She was right… it’s about timing. It took me until about a year ago to finally come clean with “Mike,” and it ended up working out just fine. “Kate,” on the other hand, apparently never did care what my true feelings were, because in the end her distaste for the idea of my being with her brother, no matter how much I truly care for him and wanted to be with him was outweighed by her feelings that by “disrespecting” her in my refusal to acquiesce to her demands that I choose between her continued friendship and what my heart was telling me was right: to follow my heart and give ourselves a 2nd chance at a relationship that was on the up & up, rather than a secret that was forced upon us due to the disapproval of someone who, in the end, wasn’t really a part of it and whose feelings about it shouldn’t have mattered in the least. I guess the sad truth is that there are any number of people whose love is, in fact, conditional. It’s not in my nature, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to comprehend how it can be so in others… especially those who claim to be Christians. It’s for these people that the bumper-sticker axiom “Jesus Would Slap the Shit Out of You” was created.

I suffered in silence for years for my complicity in the subterfuge and deceit I played along with in order to have a relationship with someone I truly loved. Now I’m just too fucking old to play those kind of games, and if I’ve learned anything over the past few years it’s that no matter how far out of my way I go to make other people happy, the end result is that I’m the one left holding the bag and dealing with the misery. It’s my life… and if anyone doesn’t like how I live it or how I choose to talk about it, that’s their fucking problem and they can stay the fuck out of my life - which includes taking it upon themselves to pontificate with their self-righteous bullshit opinions to anyone who’ll listen; especially people who are mature enough to remain my friends because they know it’s none of their goddamned business how I choose to conduct my love life.